Fearful or fearless?

Hola 2020!!! This year is off to a crazy but exciting start. I think it’s worth noting that I turned 39 this month, which I find to be pretty thrilling! For me, a good birthday celebration revolves around eating really delicious food. Honestly, a good meal while I’m wearing an elastic waistband with the people I love is all I need. When my husband and I first started dating, he planned the perfect birthday surprise – a weekend in Fredericksburg hiking, wine tasting and eating ALL the good food. I knew then I had a guy that truly sees me, and three years later our hill country getaway has become my favorite birthday tradition.

I haven’t always loved my birthday. Like when I turned 19 I cried. It’s so weird, I know. I remember sitting in my favorite fancy restaurant with my parents and a heavenly mouthful of garlicky, buttery escargot, crying because I thought I was getting “old.” Yes, I was dramatic and ridiculous. Twenty years later though, there were no tears at my birthday dinner. Just amazing melt-in-your mouth scallops, thank you Otto’s.

I’m so thankful that at 39 I feel more grounded than ever. It’s easier to roll with the punches, to speak my mind, to let go of toxicity, and to embrace goodness. Sure, my knees ache and the gray hair is starting to appear, but it’s like beginning a new adventure.

I’m still a chronic over-thinker. My mind can race down 20 different rabbit holes at once and simultaneously come up with 20 different catastrophic/illogical/twisted/dramatic outcomes in the blink of an eye. Not only does this obviously create moments of anxiety for me, but it can also make 3rd grade math homework extremely complicated, especially when my daughter and I both start over analyzing a question. Oops. Sometimes my over-thinking tendencies cause me to not take action quickly enough and then I miss out on an opportunity. Sometimes I spend way too long thinking about how to do something, and then never actually do it. Like writing for example. I’ve been thinking about it for months, but not actually doing it. I’m working on it though.

With that in mind, when January 2020 hit, I started praying about what my word for this year should be. I was like, “Oh hey God, you want my word to be peace or rest, right?” Resting sounded really good to this mama who was just getting back into the school routine after Christmas break! However, He was like, “Oh hey girl. No. You’ve done enough of that. It’s time to act. FEARLESSLY.” BAM! For months I’d been reflecting and praying on my over-thinking-crazy-rabbit-hole habits and God revealed that it all boiled down to one nasty thing – FEAR. So in this new decade, at 39, I’m going to pray and act my way into fearlessness.

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